September 7 2024

I feel like ive been avoiding many things this year. Ever since I turned 32 I felt like I wasn't living like I SHOULD or been listening to my inner voice. I've been met with confusion, guilt, not feeling good enough. ALL THE THINGS. I had a reading from Marie and that threw me down a rabbit hole after I was already down one. I was having major intrusive thoughts about my kids and that I was afraid I would harm them which made me feel terrible then thought I was being followed by evil spirits then it was basically reinforced by Marie and it made it a million times worse. At the same time it was very liberating and peaceful. I felt like I was floating in a wave of unconditional love met with fear. Two things can be true. Then as I fell deeper in the rabbit hole it felt like what I did was "wrong" In hindsight, I was really relying on her to make it better but I focused on the negative and it really consumed me. This is me trying to process it. It was heavy. Also I'm trying not to look at it so deeply and taking it at face value but that's difficult when I am the most deeply feeling person I know haha.

I was reminded of how in the moment I am when I have babies, followed by a lot of anxiety but also a lot of being in the moment. I feel like since Benny turned 1 I've been disconnected with my kids and hyper focused on "what's next" instead if just being. I've been trying to just be and it kinda gets boring. I also get really caught up in always pleasing my kids or feeling like a victim in motherhood. It's too hard and my kids are hard. It is hard. I really struggle being a mom. Maybe it's cause they are so young. I get overstimulated, I yell, I'm on my phone more often than I should be. I hold myself to a really high standard and when I don't check all the boxes I'm really hard on myself. 

I just want to have better boundaries with technology. It's so frustrating. It's so addicting and so easy. 

I love my kids so much that if I think about it too much I just start crying. Sometimes I question why they're mine. I feel like they are too good to be mine. im not good enough for them. they are the sweetest little brats ever and I don't deserve them. im just so grateful god sent me 3 amazing kids that I don't know what to do with haha. I barely know what to do with myself how am I supposed to know what to do with 3 other humans that are starting from age 0 hahah the fact that I would do absolutely anything for them while they drive me completely crazy is an insane concept lol (insert me bawling my eyes out)

life is so precious and delicate and difficult and beautiful and messy -  it makes absolutely no sense but somehow you gotta figure out how to do it and find the joy in the chaos while wearing mouth tape and while your ears are clogged. being in the present moment with your kids while your kids are sick. having sick kids is terrifying but also a chance to connect.  raising 3 little people is the most bizarre thing in the world but I do think that's part is pretty incredible.

To tie it back. I felt like I wasn't living up to standard I had of myself in my thirties. I thought I would be going to mormon church raising my kids and they would teach them values and morals but instead I feel a lot of the pressure because I don't have that help with the church. I get scared they won't learn the basics of "being a good human" without church. With the new church we go to, it's different and that scares me. I'm starting to let go of what I wanted my life to be when I turned 32. It's ok if I fall short. It's ok if I don't have it all together at 32. It's ok if I want a day to myself. It's ok if I'd rather hang out with friends than my husband. It's ok to do things your OWN WAY. You are such a sweet kind sensitive rebelliousish ...don't let fear of not being liked hold you back. be goofy be fun be serious. let it go. talk about it. be unapologetic. follow your soul.

Uncomfortable

31 weeks pregnant today and I haven't been able to sleep the past 2 days because this baby has decided to have a constant dance party in my belly. Can't blame her, I am her mother. Although, I took a 3 hour nap today and that was the first time I've slept for 3 hours straight without waking up since I can't even remember when! It was so refreshing. I woke up in the best mood ever.

My baby shower was last week and all my best friends came down from Utah which was just what I needed. It was so much fun to have them here to remind myself that I'm still just like them but the pregnant version. I was so humbled by how many people showed up to my baby shower and how many gifts I received. It was an overwhelming amount and I am so beyond grateful.

Want to know what really really sucks? Let me tell you. Long distance relationships. Nick and I have been unoffcially dating since March (that's when we met and how long we've been "talking") and it's just the worst. We get to see each other about once a month for a couple days, however the last time was one week, and then phone calls, skype and texting till the next time. I should probably write a book titled "How to Survive Long Distance Relationships" except I'm barely surviving. I thought we were doing pretty good and now that we have a plan for him to move here in January, it's the homestretch so I'm getting impatient and just want him here already. It probably doesn't help that I'm pregnant and and am extra emotional and just want my person. Is that really a thing though? I have yet to believe if pregnancy hormones are actually a thing. So far the only thing I believe in is the hormornes that have produced mass amounts of zits on my face. I guess I cry more easily but do I really though? Or is it all in my head?

My New Unplanned Life

I assume this blog will take many different turns. As for now we are discussing life as you want it to be vs how it turns out. And by "we are discussing" I mean, "I will discuss with myself." The movie 500 Days of Summer comes to mind. One of the main characters, Tom, goes to see his love interest, Summer at a party (which turns out to be her engagement celebration party) and it shows his expectations vs reality side by side. If you haven't seen that movie, do it. Now. You might not like it because it's not what you expect or want to happen BUT that is why it is one of my favorite movies. Come to think of it,  I decided it might be one of the many inspirations for this blog.

Now I'm going to give you my expectations vs reality which I call my planned vs unplanned....

My Planned:
Go to college, find a major, pick a major, stay with that major, live on my own, be financially independent, graduate college, get married, have a decent paying job, buy a house with husband, have kids, live the American Dream

My Unplanned:
Go to college, pick a major, switch that major, switch colleges and my major, switch major again....finally decide on a college and a major...

You know what keeps coming to my head as I'm typing all this out...WOW, this is a lot of stuff to type out to get to my point that I GOT PREGNANT WITH MY EX BOYFRIENDS BABY WHO WAS NEVER REALLY MY BOYFRIEND AND IT WASN'T PLANNED AND NOW MY LIFE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED. Of all the unplanned things in the world, I think losing a life and creating a life have to be the top 2 most life altering things a human can go through. Also, you or someone you know getting diagnosed with a serious disease. Life can be intense. It doesn't mess around man. However, how you react to these things really makes a difference.

Fast forward 29 weeks and 2 days, it has been a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. I am here to report I have accepted this new life of mine and am as happy as ever. It took me a couple months to get here but I am here. It doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you get there. Kinda like when someone tells you a joke and it goes right over your head but a couple minutes later or maybe even days later, you get it. As long as you get the joke.