I feel like ive been avoiding many things this year. Ever since I turned 32 I felt like I wasn't living like I SHOULD or been listening to my inner voice. I've been met with confusion, guilt, not feeling good enough. ALL THE THINGS. I had a reading from Marie and that threw me down a rabbit hole after I was already down one. I was having major intrusive thoughts about my kids and that I was afraid I would harm them which made me feel terrible then thought I was being followed by evil spirits then it was basically reinforced by Marie and it made it a million times worse. At the same time it was very liberating and peaceful. I felt like I was floating in a wave of unconditional love met with fear. Two things can be true. Then as I fell deeper in the rabbit hole it felt like what I did was "wrong" In hindsight, I was really relying on her to make it better but I focused on the negative and it really consumed me. This is me trying to process it. It was heavy. Also I'm trying not to look at it so deeply and taking it at face value but that's difficult when I am the most deeply feeling person I know haha.
I was reminded of how in the moment I am when I have babies, followed by a lot of anxiety but also a lot of being in the moment. I feel like since Benny turned 1 I've been disconnected with my kids and hyper focused on "what's next" instead if just being. I've been trying to just be and it kinda gets boring. I also get really caught up in always pleasing my kids or feeling like a victim in motherhood. It's too hard and my kids are hard. It is hard. I really struggle being a mom. Maybe it's cause they are so young. I get overstimulated, I yell, I'm on my phone more often than I should be. I hold myself to a really high standard and when I don't check all the boxes I'm really hard on myself.
I just want to have better boundaries with technology. It's so frustrating. It's so addicting and so easy.
I love my kids so much that if I think about it too much I just start crying. Sometimes I question why they're mine. I feel like they are too good to be mine. im not good enough for them. they are the sweetest little brats ever and I don't deserve them. im just so grateful god sent me 3 amazing kids that I don't know what to do with haha. I barely know what to do with myself how am I supposed to know what to do with 3 other humans that are starting from age 0 hahah the fact that I would do absolutely anything for them while they drive me completely crazy is an insane concept lol (insert me bawling my eyes out)
life is so precious and delicate and difficult and beautiful and messy - it makes absolutely no sense but somehow you gotta figure out how to do it and find the joy in the chaos while wearing mouth tape and while your ears are clogged. being in the present moment with your kids while your kids are sick. having sick kids is terrifying but also a chance to connect. raising 3 little people is the most bizarre thing in the world but I do think that's part is pretty incredible.
To tie it back. I felt like I wasn't living up to standard I had of myself in my thirties. I thought I would be going to mormon church raising my kids and they would teach them values and morals but instead I feel a lot of the pressure because I don't have that help with the church. I get scared they won't learn the basics of "being a good human" without church. With the new church we go to, it's different and that scares me. I'm starting to let go of what I wanted my life to be when I turned 32. It's ok if I fall short. It's ok if I don't have it all together at 32. It's ok if I want a day to myself. It's ok if I'd rather hang out with friends than my husband. It's ok to do things your OWN WAY. You are such a sweet kind sensitive rebelliousish ...don't let fear of not being liked hold you back. be goofy be fun be serious. let it go. talk about it. be unapologetic. follow your soul.
